Almost Honest

To avert one’s attention by keeping busy seems like a good solution to quieten the worries. It might even be the healthy way of looking after one’s mental health. But I don’t fully believe in this.

Maybe it’s a short-term fix. Maybe, momentarily, shifting all your focus will help, depending on one’s situation, but it’s not a long-term fix. I am not encouraging anyone to dwell on what’s painful, but rather to acknowledge that the shift in focus can become a plaster over a cut that needs stitches, not just covering up.

Although not all problems can be solved by an individual. Some things require time, and others lie outside our control. While we can shift our focus to bury these, our ultimate trust should be placed with our Creator rather than in distractions. To mindfully focus on that seems almost impossible, as the line between the two feels very thin to me.

At the risk of sounding too philosophical, maybe my brain is wired differently. Maybe my beliefs are directing me down a different path. Or maybe I am simply misplacing my energy on something that matters very little to most people.

And yet, I don’t want to take distraction as a win. I don’t want to only focus on the bad, but I am not ready to fully give in to distraction either.

Time may change my perspective on this. But for now, my focus is hazy and multi-directional.

In the midst of the chaos that goes through my head, I search for the calming silence to help me get by and make sense of life. I search for that in my deen (religion and way of life), my work, my knowledge, my interests… yet I can’t seem to locate it easily. I have previously found it briefly after long conversations with my Creator. I know and believe it is not a one-sided conversation, but some days my head casts a shadow over the peace I have found with Him.

Yet, I am unsettled. I am lost and I can’t decide what I need to change first. I either want to fix all my problems all at once or lie there and give up on everything. Because when the thoughts flow and I see my life and problems all in front of me, I can’t pick which I want to tackle first. And then I think about what the point is…

I look externally for reasons to improve it all. Then I give up. Then I get a surge of energy to fix up again. I would be lying if I said the cycle is not exhausting. I am truly trying to take every day as it comes. But also, the wait for a clear path of a problem-free life looks long and windy to me.

I can only surrender all this to a higher power. Something above my capability can take care of this because, as a person, all this is starting to be too much. Where is my yaqeen (certainty and conviction in God) and Tawakkul (trust and reliance upon God) when they should shine?

Is this misery or life at its peak? Is this deen (faith) or lust in dunya (the worldly life)? Is this me or shaytan (Satan) speaking? I ask myself without any responses again.

I’m not sure why I write this, but maybe it is a way to vent what’s inside. Otherwise, my internal capacity will exceed its limitations. How life spins you around is unbelievable. Sometimes I feel as though rest is not in the books for me. Mental rest, that is.

I trust it’s a lesson I’m being taught. I trust it will work out for the better. And in hardship comes ease.

I often ask myself why I chose engineering.

Not because I regret it, but because I find myself wondering what exactly pulled me towards it in the first place.

For me, it started with Maths and Science at school.

I had always been good at Maths; albeit only after a few years of hard work from my dad and older sister. They helped me build the foundations, and once everything started to click, I genuinely enjoyed the subject. It became one of the lessons I looked forward to the most in high school.

When it came to choosing what to study at university, Chemical Engineering felt like the obvious choice. My two favourite subjects were Maths (and Further Maths!) and Chemistry, so it seemed like the natural next step.

Growing up, I always dreamed of going to a top university. I had a pretty limited understanding of the world back then, but in a strange way, it definitely helped. Everything felt possible and nothing felt impossible. As I’ve got older, I’ve become more realistic, but I sometimes miss the mindset I had as a teenager – when nothing really felt out of reach.

So there I was, 18 years old, studying Engineering Science at Oxford University, one of the world’s top universities. It was a dream come true.

But what came next was more difficult than I expected.

Some nights, the dream felt more like a nightmare. The workload was relentless, and there were definitely many moments when I questioned myself. But I kept going, and eventually I made it to the end.

Looking back, my decision to study engineering wasn’t actually that complicated. I followed what I enjoyed and what I happened to be good at.

When people think of engineers, they often picture someone fascinated by engines, motors or structures (bridges to be specific). That wasn’t really me. My interest came from enjoying Maths, Chemistry and even puzzle games like Sudoku. I liked solving problems, and I pictures engineering having many more to give me.

Not everyone has a grand plan. Sometimes you end up exactly where you wanted by simply following your interests. Other times you can plan every step and still not get the outcome you hoped for.

I think success is an arbitrary mixture of competence and luck. You need the ability to take opportunities when they come, but you also need those opportunities to appear in the first place. Both have played a part in my journey.

Now maintaining success is a different story. Being successful at one thing doesn’t give you an automatic pass for the next. You still have to put in the work, keep learning, and be willing to change your plans when things don’t go the way you expected. Something I’m trying to figure out in life right now.